Prints

she can still remember sitting up there
up where she could see endless seas and possibilities
up there where she understood her value
it was in those moments
spent on his shoulders that
she realized her worth

two bodies making one set of footprints
redundant mental picture shows flash images
images of the world from his vantage point
memories of secure exposure

when he put her on the ground
her feet brushed against a reality
she wasn't ready to face
forced to walk ahead leaving smaller prints in her wake

the indentations left by his feet become a vividly distant memory
and though many have tried to imitate that shoulder-top experience for her
no one has ever been able to duplicate his prints

spectators say that those prints should fade
his...his...his...theirs...hers...his....hers...theirs...
but as she walks, those should-be-fading prints seem to multiply
and she doesn't complain because they protect her

but as they shut out the loneliness and fear, angry faces and sinister smiles
they shut out caring hearts and open arms
so she chooses to walk alone with her head held high
surrounded by hundreds of footprints that left no impressions

signed,
me

Day 30 - Your Reflection in the Mirror

*sigh*

Finally at the end of the challenge. 30 days filled with soul searching and intense reflections. The different topics were intended (in my opinion) to bring me to this point...this day...this topic.

My reflection in the mirror:



I don't think I've ever really spent very much time looking at my reflection. Sure, I'm a little on the vain side...so I check the mirror from time to time to make sure my makeup is in order, or that my hair isn't doing it's own thing, or that I don't have something in my teeth...but have I ever really taken the time to look at myself?

All my life I've heard people say a lot of good things about my appearance. Smooth skin...slim and trim...nice smile...blah blah blah....but I couldn't see it. The days when I felt beautiful were few and far between. So when I did look in the mirror, I never saw anything special. What I could see were the bags under my eyes that I had inherited from my grandfather (thanks, Grandaddy!).

But the things that I overlooked were my strength, charisma, passion, and the love that I have for so many people. And so, here it is ...my final piece...
________________________________________________________________________

Look Inside


No matter what I see in this looking glass
Beauty is only skin deep
But go beyond the surface and understand
That all you've endured has made you who you are
The tears that poured from your eyes
Yielded gallons of strength and wisdom
Within your heart is a desire to change the world
And although people may never understand the depth of your love
It's hidden in every smile that crosses your lips
There is one thing that I have to say
No matter how strong and independent you may be
Showing your emotions isn't always a bad thing
Of course there will be people that try to take advantage of you
But don't allow them to define who you are
Remain true to who you are and what you stand for
Realize that there is nothing that you cannot do
And move forward with courage and faith in the God you serve
Never give up on love and happiness
Because your fairy tale ending is on its way
Most importantly, believe that you are beautiful...

________________________________________________________________________

Day 29 - The Person That You Want Tell Everything, but You're Too Afraid to

I wish I could tell you
All the mistakes I've made
I wish I could tell you
But you wouldn't look at me the same

I wish I could tell you
How that my self esteem is fried
I wish I could tell you
But I don't want to see you cry

Day 28 - Someone That Changed Your Life

At the risk of sounding overly religious/spiritual (not that I care), I'm going to have to say that the person who changed my life is the only one that's been with me from beginning to end - Jesus.

If you were to stop reading now because you're certain this post is going to sound just like everyone else's story, I won't be offended. However, if you choose to have an open mind and learn more about me...well...don't judge me! The things that I'm going to say may surprise some while others may be glad that I'm finally getting it off my chest. Whatever the case may be, I hope the Holy Spirit moves through this post and into your heart (if He's not already there).

----

In case you hadn't figured it out yet, my father passed away when I was a little girl. For a long time I was angry at him and at God...but I got over it. For 13 years I dealt with the pain in the best way I knew how...by burying it.

The summer between my freshmen and sophomore year was really strange. Nothing out of the ordinary happened...no traumatic event...I mean, I had a full-time job, I was involved with the praise team, and I was having a blast! But when school started, I was hit with a HUGE wave of sadness. I couldn't figure out what was going on, but I had no intention of taking the time to dive into the corners of my heart. Nope! That would require a lot of tears (which are pointless) and pain. So, I pushed everyone that cared about me away. It seemed like the logical thing for me to do. They seemed so happy, and I wasn't. There was no way I was going to subject myself to such torture!

I praise God for my true friends. No matter how hard I pushed them away, they clung to me...to the point where I was slightly annoyed with them (lol). I remember during AY one Friday night I was thinking about the upcoming semester and all the classes that i would have to take. I walked outside the building and began feeling overwhelmed. I stooped down and tried to slow down my breathing and steady my heart rate. One of my campus mothers came out of nowhere and knelt down next to me. She held and encouraged me. Eventually, I was able to breathe without sobbing, so I went back inside. Another time, one of my best guy friends saw me walk out the church (during another AY service) and followed me to my car. He sat in the passenger seat and asked me what was wrong. IMMEDIATELY, I started bawling. He put his arms around me and let me cry (for the short period of time that I would allow myself to cry). There were countless sermons that brought me to tears, pounds and pounds to tissues used to wipe me face, tear stains on many of my friend's shirts and pants...and none of them minded.

Anyway, I decided that it was time for me to get re-baptized. There was too much hurt and baggage in my life. I knew that in order for me to grow, I had to let it all go. First semester of my sophomore year, God decided that would be the time to break me. He broke down my barriers and reminded me of who He was and who He could be if I let Him in. And so, on February 21, I went down in that watery grave and came up baggage free.

I remember feeling like I was on top of the world. Nothing could bring me down from the spiritual high I was on at that time. God allowed me work through my anger and hurt. I refused to hold any more grudges. I was finally free...

Now, I'm not going to lie and say that everything has been peachy keen since then, but I will say that I'm not the same person that I was. By allowing Christ to come into my life, I (and those who have known me for some time) can see a change. I'm not perfect and will never claim to be, but I'm so glad I know a perfect Savior who saw fit to work on me.

Day 27 - The Friendliest Person You Knew For Only One Day

Well, I just met her on Sabbath at a lunch. While I'm not sure if I'll ever run into her again, she really was a sweetheart.

Day 26 — The Last Person You Made a Pinky Promise To

I don't recall making a pinky promise recently...

However, if I did, it would be to my mother (who is giving me the words to write this post right now).

My vow to her would be to not have sex until I am 50.

**she nods her head in approval and I roll my eyes**

Honestly, I don't remember the last pinky promise I made...but I would totally make one to myself.

What would it be, you ask?? Well that's easy.

I, Kelsey R., vow to make a difference.

See.....isn't that so much better than not having sex for the next 29 years?!?!

=)

Day 25 - The Person You Know That is Going Through The Worst of Times

"Girl, I can tell you've been crying
And you needing somebody to talk to
Girl, I can tell he's been lying
And pretending that he's faithful and he loves you
Girl, you don't have to be hiding
Don't you be ashamed to say he hurt you
I'm your girl, you're my girl, we your girls
Don't you know that we love ya" -- Destiny's Child

You can never fully understand why God allows certain things to happen in your life...why a particular situation has to play out badly. It's not until you're on the other side of that trial that you are able to internalize the lessons that you learned from that experience.

We both know I've had quite a few of those hard-earned lessons. And now is my opportunity to share them with you.

Sweetie, it's okay to hurt. It's okay to cry. You're going to feel like giving up because you can't ever seem to get enough air in your lungs to get you one step closer to point B. When you start to feel like that (but only after you've asked God to ease the blocked feeling in your airway), call me. I can shed a lot of light on a lot of situations because I've been where you are. I've been to the bottom on the bottom (or so it seemed), and I promise you, there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

Fight on, sweetie!

Day 24 - The Person That Gave You Your Favorite Memory

"Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose." ~From the television show The Wonder Years

When I close my eyes with the hopes of catching a glimpse of him, I can usually find him perched in the old blue recliner. He loved those Miami Dolphins and peanuts. Combine the two and within moments of the first kick, he'd be yelling "aww c'mon!" at the different players or referees. The snap of the peanut shell and the crunch they made as he chewed matched the volume of the roaring fans, whistles, and grunts coming from the television.

Or I may spot him in Port Lucaya on a Sunday afternoon. You see, our family would go out and get ice cream together from time to time. He was so strong back then...strong enough to tote his 4-year old daughter around on his shoulders. I can't remember the sound of his voice or laugh, but I remember his smile. Even from my elevated position, I could see the curve of his lips and his pretty white teeth...he was happy then.

He could also be found in the same recliner with a plate full of sabbath-lunch delicacies. This always made me chuckle because he knew he shouldn't have been eating the macaroni and cheese, chicken, cole slaw, potato salad, peas and rice, and all the other tasty treats...but he did it. He was determined to lead a normal life. I can see the look on my mother's face - filled with concern and disapproval at his meal choices. But she wasn't about to argue with Dr. Roach....not then...

But once my eyes are open, and I realize those are mere memories, I'm filled with a deep sadness. There isn't a day that passes that I don't think of my father. He was a great man and he impacted the lives of many people. He loved completely and unreserved; and that is one of the traits I hope to have acquired. But even when I'm sad, I think on these times and I shed happy tears knowing that I will always have my memories.

Day 23 — The Last Person You Kissed

I do believe the last person I kissed was _______. Mr. __ himself.

The circumstances were not unheard of. It was a rainy day in town and everyone was looking for their "cuddle buddy". Mr. __ and I decided to get together at his house and watch movies with his roommates.

We were watching "Hot Rod". I dozed in and out of consciousness. It was a good afternoon. Then, as we usually do, Mr. __ and I began challenging one another. Because I am a very competitive and commanding person, I don't take orders well. However, Mr. __ has a very strong personality as well. We playfully argued while watching another movie (we had changed movies by this point, I just don't recall what the film was).

He kissed me...but there was no feeling behind it.

Good thing we have our conversation skills and playful arguments to fall back on!

Day 22 - Someone You Want To Give a Second Chance To

Mr. Roach

For the few years that I knew you, I can't recall ever having that grandfather-granddaughter love connection. In fact, I was terrified of you. It seemed like you went out of your way to make sure that we never felt welcome in your presence.

However, since you are/were my grandfather, it would be nice to give you a second chance. I was so young...I didn't have the desire to step outside of myself and take the initiative to get to know you. Now that you're gone, it's a bit late for that...but you're the only person I could think of.

What would I do differently, at this point in my life, if you were still alive? That's a good question. When I lacked the desire/ability to get to know you, you refused to put aside your pride and disappointment to get to know me. That sucks. So I guess I'd have to figure out a way to get you to like me...so that you'd grow to love me. It'd be like we were dating...but you'd have no choice but to accept me and love me because I am a part of you....your blood runs through my veins...I am your granddaughter. And as unfortunate as that may seem to you, I'm really not a bad person. *shrug*..I think you'd be pretty proud of me.

But if you still couldn't love/like/respect me for the fact that I'm related to you, maybe you could do it because of Daddy....

So...Truce?
**waves white flag in surrender**

Day 21 — Someone You Judged by Their First Impression

When I first saw you
I couldn't breathe
My palms were sweaty
And my heart was pounding

When I first spoke to you
I still couldn't breathe
My palms were even more sweaty
And my heart was pounding louder than before

When we exchanged numbers
I was shocked and amazed
And I felt that there was
Something different about you

I was right
You are different
But not in the way you think
Your differences are kinda sucky

You see I thought you were a man of action
Someone that backed up what he said
But I was wrong
You're all talk...and talk is cheap

But don't worry
I don't hold it against you
I guess you're just not
What I made you out to be in my head

Day 20 - The One That Broke Your Heart The Hardest

I don't wanna waste an entire album on you
I've been there done that
And I don't wanna tell who, what, when, where
Why and how, 'cause who cares? Nobody cares.
(Vivian Green - Beautiful)

I hope you all take a moment to watch the video or listen to the song...because then you may be able to better understand where I'm coming from.

My goal was to use 30 different people to complete this challenge. Guess I need to come up with a new goal. =/ Here we go!

-----------

Crazy how drastically things can change in 1 year. 365 days. Last year this time, there was still a bit of tension in our relationship, but we were determined to make it work. I mean, you had finally chosen me...so we owed it to each other to sort things out...right? And things were going well. We were talking about our plans for my birthday and beyond. Puppies...fishing trips...big plans!

Then my birthday rolled around and I allowed you to make me look like a fool. That's what's so funny about all of this, no matter how much you are to blame, I don't expect anyone to feel badly for me because I fell for all of your lies and I played a role in all the confusion.

I tried so hard to get myself away from the situation. Knowing that it wasn't healthy for either of us, I severed all communication for a while. Then more drama broke out...more lies...more confusion. At that point, I was determined not to talk to you ever again. Not because I was angry, but because I thought I deserved better.

So when you reached out to me I was shocked and confused...but mostly scared. I didn't know what you could possibly have to say to me after months of silence. Then we slowly fell back into our old rhythm and I couldn't control how I felt. You shoved more lies down my throat and I ate it up. Then...as I should've expected...more drama. And, again, I purposed in my heart not to interact with you on an emotional level. Maintaining a friendship was most important to me, but you couldn't do that. It hurt for the first few days, but I got over it.

Then you hit me up out of nowhere and proposed a friendship. When I explained to you that we could never have a strictly platonic relationship you agreed and confessed your feelings for me again and even mentioned the idea of marriage. Big plans all over again. Then the story changed and my tolerance evaporated. I cut you off...this time, for good.

The thing that kills me the most is that I don't think I'm strong enough to get through this. Everything reminds me of you. I don't have the desire to be a relationship...you really broke me and you don't even care. But it's cool. At the end of the day, I only want you to be happy. So, I'm saying goodbye and good luck right now...because with God's help, I will come out on the other side of this a better person. I'm not going to allow you and your mistakes to determine when I can be happy again. My heart is going to be open to the man that decides I'm worth it. And when you see that, don't come running back to me. Let bygones be bygones.

I'm off this emotional roller coaster for good